blah blah blog

Of traveling and shoes

2011-01-26T10:10:00.000-08:00

I had a training weekend in Dallas last weekend, none of which was clearly established to be inside or outside the $40 Week Project. Not a good plan. It was really easy to be slippery and use the cash Pete gave me -- or not! -- without much consciousness. I've also had a couple of lapses with texting him around expenditures, and if I tell the truth about it, I knew damn well that I was lapsing. My justifications were loud and I went with them, which totally defeats the intention of the game. SO. Back to square one.

And with all of that in mind, had a lovely Starbucks run this morning with my friend Wynne, and then popped in to Target and found some HOT shoes for $32. All is well.

Pete will be out of town next week, and in the past I've used his absence as a context for going a little wild. Eating out, shopping, extras. I'm committed to honoring what I've created and therein honoring what we are creating together. Game (back) on!

Seven Bucks

2011-01-16T10:57:00.000-08:00

Finished week two with seven bucks in my wallet! Winning is fun!

Well into week 2

2011-01-13T06:29:00.000-08:00

It's already Thursday in the second week of the game. Today I'm off to the movies with the Baseball Moms, with $30 in my pocket.

Despite some creative thinking and the best intentions, in week One 1 I did go over by about ten bucks. I got sloppy about the bookkeeping too, so I'm not actually 100% sure that it was ten bucks... it may have been more like 14. In either case, I started this week with just $30. It is enormously satisfying to be all the way through mid-week without having spent anything, but it's also tempting to shoot my whole wad in one afternoon. We're having lunch at Panera before going to the movies so I will forego popcorn.

I intentionally set up the game to not include dates with Pete. My old-fashioned girl brain likes having those expenses come out of his pocket (and I mean that in the most literal sense). What it's forcing is DATE NIGHT! This is Awards Season and there are lots of movies yet to see, including a couple that might appeal to men! So Pete and I have a date scheduled for Saturday. There will be popcorn!

Context Is Decisive

2011-01-04T15:35:00.000-08:00

As I said I would, I went to the gym and I exercised. Taa daa! My promise is to work out two more times before noon on Friday.

It's no surprise, and yet surprising indeed, that other areas of life are showing up inside the context of the $40 Week Project. Health is a big one. I lost 38 pounds in 2010 and over the holidays (um... starting with Halloween) I went ahead and enjoyed myself and gained back about 15. It's NOT okay! Most of my clothes are snug, I don't like how my body looks (by comparison to how it looked 15 pounds ago), and I feel like a moron for letting myself go wild. I knew what I was doing. So I'm back to eating a very restricted, though enjoyable, diet, and I'm excited about working out again. I have created weight-loss goals and am empowered in my plan to meet them. This is not like me. Usually I just kinda go with things, even when my word is at stake, like in my automatic relationship to money.

A couple of cool money miracles in the past 48 hours:

4 bucks showed up in the laundry. I'm pretty sure they were from the pocket of my jacket, so I have no reservations about claiming them for myself. But I think they showed up inside the clearing of this game. The initial formulating of the game came on a car ride to my best friend Mary's house last Thursday. I had a long way to go and a gas gift-card that Pete had instructed me to use. I was annoyed with Pete for the way his voice sounded when he'd dropped the card in my purse -- it occurred to me as very paternal (and not in a sweet way). I am clear that I over-reacted and made something out of nothing, but it did get my wheels spinning... The whole money domination thing was huge that day. Gotta do what Pete says or else hide things from him. Yuck. A predictable, past-based, no-power-paradigm. Way to be married! Woo! As I let that get to me, I flirted with the thought of a weekly allowance -- some chunk of money that I could call mine, to spend on the lovely, girly, indulgent things that my beloved husband sometimes poo-poos. Yeah, that'll show him!

Fortunately I stepped into the light before too long, and the Project actually started to sound like fun. I love my husband and I love loving him. When I'm annoyed by him I naturally think that it's HIM. And I do mean NATURALLY. It takes a committed act of real thinking to get responsible for my own annoyance, and an act of real courage to look at how I might be annoying HIM. My reluctance to confront anything related to money is extremely annoying to Pete. He works hard to make money, he works with other peoples' money to make more money for them, his entire career has been in the financial industry. The man is, in a lot of ways, about money. And me... I just want nice stuff without having to work hard.

So as I was driving, looking for the right kind of gas station, thinking about money and Pete and love and limits, I knew -- didn't even have to wonder -- I knew that if I took the initiative to get conscious about money, my husband would really appreciate it. See yesterday's post regarding how that worked out. ;-)

So, when I found the right kind of gas station, I pumped the gas and then splashed some on my jacket. When I got home, I put the jacket into the washing machine immediately, completely oblivious to the cash in the pocket. Oblivious to money! Duh! Having stirred up some consciousness these past couple of days, those four $1 bills that made their way through the washer and dryer are cause for celebration! THEY'RE A FRICKIN' LATTE'!

Second miracle: Found out that my airfare for an upcoming training weekend is PAID. Like, by NOT PETE. That, my friends, is probably a week's worth of Happy Husband.

First Monday

2011-01-03T12:28:00.000-08:00

Today is the first Monday in the $40 Week Project. It's also the first Monday of the new year and in fact, the new decade. Most delightfully, it's also the first Monday that the kids are back in school after Winter Break. I love those guys, but I really do enjoy having the place to myself again.

I'd planned to get my $40 last night when I went to the grocery store, but I screwed up, hit the wrong button on the keypad, and missed out on the cash-back-with-purchase option. This pissed me off, as I was intending to use cash to buy a birthday card for my best friend Nina. Honoring my word, I chose to forego that purchase (sorry Nina, but please read on), and I got my cash this morning instead (along with a birthday card for my best friend Nina, though it will probably not get to her till the day after her birthday... and none of this is an indicator in the matter of my love for her, AT ALL).

This being the first Monday of the new year, going to the gym seemed a good idea. But first I'd need a membership! Pete called just as I was heading over and suggested that I transfer our son's membership to my name. Did that, free of charge, and with no change to our monthly expense. I didn't work out. Tomorrow.

This being the first Monday of the month, I dropped off some dry cleaning. I've already alerted Pete to the $47 check I'll be writing on Wednesday.

Then I was off to Target for some groceries, toiletries and dog care items. Got my cash, bought Nina's card, and promptly sent a text to Pete. I had not yet told him about the $40 Week Project. Nonetheless, I got a text back from him, thanking me for keeping costs down and acknowledging some expenses I will have later in the week (parking and meals while attending a course downtown).

Au contraire, I assured him! I have already accounted for that stuff! I'm playing a game... and then I sent him a link to this blog. Came his reply: "Very cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (I cut and pasted that directly from his email, so as to not miss a single !.)

So the question I'm dwelling in now is, how will I know when I've won the game? And when I have, then what?

The $40 Project

2011-01-02T09:50:00.000-08:00

My husband Pete and I are arguing a lot lately, and while he hasn't come right out and said so, I suspect there's something about money that's got him on edge. (It's totally money that has me on edge... guilt about how much I spend without earning any, guilt about how little I pay attention to how much things cost, and guilt about how annoyed I am that I really ought to be up on that stuff.) So without being asked, I have created a game to play, called The $40 Project.

The game is housed inside the possibility of being thrifty, smart, accepting, realistic, and a humble, grateful partner.

So, what is the $40 Week Project?

I will get $40 cash every Sunday and use that for my personal expenses throughout the week. My personal expenses include:

• coffee
• meals out (except dates with Pete and once weekly fast-food for the kids)
• clothes
• shoes
• any girlfriendy expenditures
• manicures
• cosmetics
• parking at the Center
• movies (except when on dates with Pete)
• books, magazines

I will ONLY use cash for these costs. Anything left over at midnight Saturday is gravy! How else would a girl buy herself a new pair of shoes???

I will continue to use my debit card for groceries, gas, household products, gifts, pet care.

I will continue to write checks for dry cleaning and monetary gifts.

I will continue to use PayPal for music lessons.

I will text Pete every time I use the debit card, write a check or use PayPal.

And I'll blog about it, whether I have an insight or not. Here we go.

Summertime

2010-07-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

Makes sense to title this entry thus as I haven't taken to posting here since the Wintertime.

Here's really all I want to say. I've lost 28 pounds. And I feel awesome. I was inspired by my best friend Nina, who caused her own complete transformation, body, mind and spirit. Check out her new blog -- and quite likely the launching of a brand! -- here:

http://happyhealthyhot.typepad.com/home/2010/07/welcome-to-happy-healthy-and-hot.html#comments

Fillipo

2009-11-29T20:25:00.000-08:00

Pete and I chose our first born's name carefully. We wanted something distinctive, ethnic and simple. It is his name, a perfect match for his strawberry blond hair, twinkly eyes and alabaster skin. But today he told me that if I'm going to make a habit of this blog thing, he wants me to grant him a little anonymity and refer to him here as Fillipo. It's so darn funny, I'm gonna go with it.

5. You must wear pants in the living room.

2009-11-29T09:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my son Ethan disappeared for about an hour. Pete was going to go pick out a Christmas tree and went to the neighbor's house where E was playing to see if he wanted to come along. Thing is, Ethan had not previously asked if he could play inside the neighbor's house, and while he was there he was playing an M-rated video game. When he heard Pete's voice at the front door, he scurried out the back, fully expecting that if he'd been caught he would have been in trouble. He would have been. He was flagrantly breaking two rules (1. No going inside friends' houses without checking with Mom or Dad first; 2. Only E- and some T-rated video games). When he took off he left his jacket behind, so then he was breaking a third (3. No playing outside without some kind of jacket when the temperature is below 65 degrees).

Pete came home, figuring E had probably come here directly, but there was no sign of him. Inside about 20 minutes, we both had driven through our small neighborhood twice, calling his name and instinctively fearing the worst. There are several ponds in our sub-division. Railroad tracks are just the other side of a fence and up a sloping embankment. Four lanes of traffic separate us from the neighborhood where some other friends live. And he wasn't wearing a jacket. I counted on Ethan using his head and avoiding the trouble zones, but my mind went where it went.

Neighbors started spilling out onto their porches, some to observe, some to engage. Liam got on his bike (without a jacket - eye roll) and checked adjacent sub-divisions. Liam's guitar teacher, who was just wrapping up Liam's lesson when the drama began, joined the search. Nothing. So Pete called the police.

So just imagine for a second the kind of mental over-drive that creates. I mean, if the cops can't find him, can he be found? I paced the sidewalk, held Liam tight, kept my cool. I declined the option of going too far down the dark tunnels and I did not cry. I gave a police officer a description (Bears jersey, navy sweats, Bears Crocks) and showed her a picture I'd taken less than 90 minutes earlier. I considered the world that is my beautiful, dangerous Ethan.

Ethan has frequently been called things like, "A Handful." His entire life has had an intensity to it - lengthy hospitalizations as an infant, multiple injuries and ER visits, and a wicked-super-cuteness and sharp sense of humor that make him - to me anyway - completely irresistible. He's charming. He's a little mysterious. He is a rascal and he definitely has gotten away with a lot. He's also really empowered by the possibilities of independence and self-reliance. He’s confident, cocky even, but y’know, it ain’t braggin’ if it’s true. He’s a good little athlete and he’s smart. There’s a lot to be confident about. But he’s EIGHT. And I’m his MOM. So DUDE. There will be limits, and I will set them and when you push them, negotiations could get ugly.

Not only did I not cry, I may have even giggled a little, somehow expecting that this whole thing would resolve itself soon and become the latest chapter in the Book of E.

And sure enough, as fast as it came to a boil, it was over.

It's a strange thing, seeing your baby get out of the back seat of a squad car. His face went from frozen hard to blubbery squish as he ran across the street and into my arms. He didn't want to tell me where he'd been. He was embarrassed. I held him tight and we sat on the curb. He listened intently while the cop informed him of the trouble he'd caused (I thought she was a bit much, honestly, but I guess that's the cops' whole gig). I took my jacket off and wrapped it around him and then he began his confession. He'd been hiding in some bushes. He'd seen us drive right past him, heard us calling. He was afraid and pissed off about the trouble he'd most likely be in. Without a doubt, he knew he'd broken rules 1, 2 and 3... and as scary and real as the experience of his missing was for Pete and me, the experience of hiding was certainly scary and real for Ethan.

What I wanted then was a sweet, soothing kind of reunion. Some quiet, some tears, some apologizing and some forgiveness. Wrrrrrrrrap it up! But what I got was a tired, cranky, hungry little picky eater who agreed to try something new (cheese pizza - big whoop) but then turned up his nose and demanded an apple. Our house was so full of frayed nerves! One parenting drama bled into the next (and pretty swiftly turned into a marital thing too - natch), and the day just kept escalating. Weird! Really weird! Slamming doors and tantrums all around! (4. No slamming doors.)

Ethan went to bed hungry and upset. I just felt sad. And I had to wonder, what was he so afraid of that sent him running off in the first place? When I lose my temper I yell - and admittedly, the sound of my voice is pretty unpleasant when it hits a certain level. When our wills collide, I've been known to resort to a smack across his butt, a weakness of which I am deeply ashamed. Pete yells too, and frequently booms, "You're grounded!" (This pisses me off no end, because I'm invariably the one who ends up having to oversee the house arrest. Feels like I get grounded too.) Maybe it was simply that Ethan knew he'd been caught and there'd be something about that to deal with. I don't know what he made up about himself, about us, about the whole situation. I think the perceived threat was way scarier than the real thing, but from Ethan's view, who cares what I think? Thing is, whatever he does think, I know he's more than just a naughty kid and we are more than reactionaries. There is an opportunity for some transformation here as long as there's a willingness to bring it forth. I fear the growing pains - his, mine and ours - but I love this little boy so much and all I want for him is joy and adventure and the full expression of all that he is. Negotiations could get ugly.

This morning I fantasized about slices of toast with strawberry jam. I figured Ethan would be just hungry enough to go for it. He opted for two bowls of cereal... and then he threw up. A few times.

The next parenting drama. And life goes on.

procrastinating

2009-11-27T07:06:00.000-08:00

So much to do... but I can't tear myself away from Say Yes To The Dress. Are these gowns with sheer bodices for real?